Ephesians 5:22-33
New International Version (NIV)
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
I know this is LOADED, right? I'm supposed to submit to my husband but he views porn. Yes, the pain is searing especially when you first find out that he has an addiction to pornography (and yes, it can be the wife with the addiction so just reverse the pronouns).
The feelings of betrayal, and lack of self-worth, and feelings of negativity towards your own body are going to be screaming in your head over and over. First, I want you to separate the addiction from the feelings about yourself. I know this is crazy - but it's not about you. I'm not saying this in a bad way at all. His addiction is not about you (unless you are the one feeding it). But his addiction to porn has to do with him and the fact that he has lack of love for himself or feels that only he can fulfill his desires because he feels no one will want to. Who know. Those are things he needs to work out! Not you! Don't fall into the CoDependent trap and try and "Fix" him because it's not going to work!
Some might argue that a wife withholding sex from her husband drives him to view pornography. That is not true. It's a total cop-out and I don't buy it. Yes, because of the lack of emotional connection, he may try and seek it elsewhere, but viewing porn is still wrong and he has a choice to make. Actually, what usually happens (and research can support this) is that women want to have sex with their spouse, but for some reason he doesn't - he's the one becoming emotionally detached because he's getting fulfilled elsewhere - porn. Either way, it's so important to seek counseling to figure out the cause of the addiction for the husband and for the wife to seek counseling to deal with the grief.
Let's be real here - there is huge HURT when we find our spouse views porn. It's hard to even watch TV or go to the movies with your spouse anymore. Even a stroll through the mall could create such pain while walking by the VS store. And we don't even want to let our minds go there about having him touch me. We don't even want him to view us naked. He's seen other women so it's got to be my ugly body right? Wrong! Those negative thoughts are straight from Satan. But, even knowing that, it still hurts! I mean, he's known this secret for how long and lived in his shame. But I'm just finding out..and so I often find this time is WAY harder on the spouse!!
So, how can we honor God during this while honoring our spouse. How can we live Ephesians 5:22-23 during this time. This is not inclusive at all and it's really just a small piece of the dealing with the entire mess AND some of these steps are going to be harder then others.
- Honor your husband. Yes, he has a problem and needs help. And so do you. Don't go announcing to the word that he watches pornography. He is still a child of God and as awful as he hurt you, he deserves respect.
- Find a trusted friend to work through your feelings. Seek professional counseling. YES - you as the spouse will need to seek help from someone who can be objective. Don't use social media to bash your spouse..that's not honoring to God.
- Find a support group. The enemy WILL use isolation to attack you. Isolating yourself is going to feed into the enemy's plan and so you MUST protect yourself from him.
- Trust in God. Too often we place our trust in people and get hurt. And even though he is your spouse - he is human just like you are. And so he WILL fail you. But God never will.
- It's not dishonoring to God to put space between you and your spouse until you start working through your emotions as well as seeing that he is working through his baggage. Actually, it's honoring to your spouse to give him space to work through his addiction and not hound him.
- Don't call and make appointments for counselors for him. Don't do the work for him. That's being CoDependent (and even though we do it to protect ourselves - it's far from healthy for both of you). He must want to change and own up to the work that needs to be done.
- Try to understand what causes an addiction to pornography so that when/if he does want to talk to you, you are understanding what this addiction really is. It will make more sense to you. And it will help make you aware to protect your children.
- I believe having some physical space separation is OK. I don't mean make him move out. But you don't have to share the bed right away. If he truly wants to break the addiction and is working hard you will see it. And there will be a time for intimacy again - but you are not obligated to sleep with him because you are his wife. And if he seeks intimacy and you are not ready, you have the right to let him know that. Submission does not mean to give freely to him because he desires it. (if you read further in Ephesians the husband has even more responsibility to the wife). As healing happens, intimacy will return...but be ready for Satan to attack you there. It's not going to be easy. Trust is something we need to earn from each other.
- Don't use the porn as an excuse to beat him down. Try to find ways to praise him. Even if it's a simple "I see you are trying and I appreciate it". Belittling him will only make things worse.
- When you are ready and he is ready, be available for counseling as a couple.
- Attend a Celebrate Recovery meeting or a group session as well as personal counseling.
- Have a close friend to talk to or journal like crazy.
- Make sure you get enough sleep, exercise, food, spiritual and emotional self-care. Just like an addict can't overcome an addiction without making sure basic needs are met, neither can you!
As the spouse of a person who has an addiction to pornography, you are going to feel like your world was turned upside-down. And those feelings are legit. The hurt and pain are searing. It's how you deal with that hurt and hang-up that will determine how honoring to your spouse and God you deal with it.
