Sunday, October 16, 2016

How Many TImes Must I Do This?

Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

 Today, I had a red light day. I wish I could say it wasn't true. For those who don't use recoveryBox, it means that I relapsed. I reverted back to an old habit and one that I thought I had kicked - but apparently not.

Thing is, someone offended me in such a hurtful way today.  A way that was just cutting. Now my readers know I have habit of  CoDependency. And tonight I messed up. I didn't use any of my learned strategies - and in the end I just kept it all in - and didn't stop the situation and use my big girl words. Instead, I stewed it all in. UGH!!  When will I learn.

Later in the evening I went to take a shower and was having a conversation with God and all I kept hearing him say to me was "You NEED to forgive him just as I have forgiven you."  And then I started to reason - "But God, he doesn't deserve my forgiveness on this again - this isn't the first time I've been hurt." And God answered my "And I've forgiven you all your sins and you don't deserve it."

OK, I'm not making this up.  It was a real conversation I was having with God and it was clear as a bright blue sky kinda day.  And I realized that even though I thought I was making such good strides with CoDependency, that I fell right back into my old ways. And when I examined it closer it was because this person hurt my pride. Oh my word! My pride!  I'm mad at someone I love because they hurt my pride.

And so, today I use this as my reminder that we must remain vigilant in our recovery journey. It's not a game or something we just do for a while. This is a life long decision to not live this old life anymore.  So now, I have to swallow my pride and offer forgiveness to this person NOT because I have to, but because I want to.

When you slip (and I pray that on your journey you don't), but if you do, don't wallow in the mistake. Allow Jesus to forgive your mistake.  And then simply move on!